Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens [ˈnəʊdəs təʊlz]  The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

For J.

Emptied and alienated, I’m stumbling through strange rooms. Clutching thoughts, torn between fear and opportunity. Trying to project a possible future on these empty walls, silently beholding a promise of a new beginning in their bright white virginity. The girl from the real estate agency is giving me a tour of the apartment. That it had to come this far. Splitting our lives, cutting through 25 years of shared history. Divorce, its sudden reveal stopped me in my tracks. And although inciting my lethargic tendencies it’s yet gently gaining appeal. I was never the quitter before.

…..this lovely apartment became available only a couple of days ago…..

I can’t remember what it was she said, but it triggered me to go look for my own ways. It happened a couple of times before, but it never felt real somehow. This time the words stuck, they didn’t go away. She thought I was better off this way. Letting me go as the ultimate sacrifice of her love. Perhaps she had a clearer view on what was right for me than I had myself. She’d been right about me before so why not this time? Perhaps I was finally ready and she had suggested it one time too many. It felt such an obvious thing to do.

…..the boiler has been replaced recently…..

The last week had passed in a haze of doubt and indecision but also vague anticipation. Having me turning inwards again, but without the usual panic and chaos. For the first time I could see a future for myself without her.

…..although the building is only 3 stories high, it also has an elevator…..

Going our separate ways was never my idea and I was never convinced that it would make me any happier in the way she thought it would. She was always convinced that Sophie would drive us apart sooner or later. But unfortunate enough, reality is that it’s not something I do, it’s something I’m. I can’t just switch Sophie off and J realized that as no one else. From the moment she discovered this alternative personality lurking inside of me, something in our relationship had changed. Although Sophie only surfaces for a minor percentage of our time and the two do rarely meet, J still feels like she is living with her all the time. That she is forced into some kind of a lesbian relationship that she is unable to accept in any way. But she also feels that she’s keeping Sophie restricted and therefore put a restraint on my happiness. Maybe that’s all true, but then she fails to see that this so called restriction, is also something that I need to help me balance things out. Keeping me on track.

Where would I end without her?

 …..the view from the patio is very beautiful and it’s such a lovely and quiet neighbourhood..…

nodus

The luring freedom of the split is weirdly attractive however, but in a way  as certain women are. It feels like it could fully cut me from the life I had. Press rewind and start all over again. But reality has it that there is no such thing. We drag our history behind us and looking over our shoulder we’re always facing the smouldering embers of the bridges burning behind us. We will be constantly caught up by the smoke and trivialities of our shared past and in the end it would cause more grief then happiness. I can’t just let that happen to my children, nor to my so beloved J and not even to myself.

Apart from the Sophie thing, we have some much more that binds us, so much more that makes our life’s worth spending together and above all….we still love each other to bits, even after 25 years.

…..and the best thing is, it’s immediately available.….what do you think?…..What do you think Madam?…..

It’s the girl from the real estate agent, waking me from my reverie, giving me an inquiring look as only a professional sales person can. She’s irresistibly attractive……like certain women are,……like the luring freedom is, dangerous and potentially lethal. Nice for the moment, but the happiness they bring is often short lived and it nearly always ends in tears.

……What do you think Madam?

Erm…… yes, nice views indeed.….. Mind if I’ll think about it for a couple of days? I’ll let you know next week right?

She hides her disappointment well as she walks me to the door. Two paces ahead, turns and smiles as she hands me her business card. Flaunting a purposeful gait and her heels are absolutely to die for! Love at first sight. (Still wish I had dare to ask where she got them from.)

Women are incomprehensible creatures. J. knows best, and apparently so do I. Perhaps it’s we’re too afraid of what a future without the other might hold and therefore we both can’t make that sacrifice.  Sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of my own thoughts. It takes one to recognize one as one of my initiated friends once inappropriately said. And that is where we ultimately find each other again. The very thing that drives us apart also makes we understand each other so well.

It’s cold outside, autumn is nearly ending. The last light sets the horizon ablaze in oranges and reds.

My mind’s made up as I step into my car and hit the engine.

The dust in my mind is settling. The time we had apart didn’t miss the cathartic effect we both hoped it would have………..we can finally turn this page now, on to the next chapter.

x Sophie

Video

Small things

Sometimes on rare occasions, life slows down and time seems to grinds to a halt.
It’s the end of my weekly power yoga class. A last relaxation exercise after an intense 90 minutes of mental focus to keep a physical balance, or is it the other way round. I’m never sure 😉 . I’m lying on my back, tumbling into the cracks in the plaster ceiling. Time and distance become one as the town’s groan softly fades into the background. Irregularities in the white hurtle away from me like distant galaxies. Like I’m falling backwards into the bottomless realms of the universe, small and insignificant only surrounded by silence and vast emptiness. Spinning. Free from the daily grind, without identity and seeing things the way they are without judgement. Left with no pride of being someone great or exceptional. Just be….

small things

As my limbs go numb and immaterialise my speed increases. I visualise leaving our solar system and when even our planet has become nothing more than a distant blip in the black night sky, a profound loneliness occurs to me. Those are my moments that provide insight, wash away those trivial thoughts and doubts that clutter the mind. They open a window to exchange bad for good. To dissipate sorrows and let fresh energy in. Then I find myself again, a lost soul floating between so many others. Likeminded mental wanderers, the intergalactic debris of an inherently binary society, preoccupied in rigid believes and ancient values.

Are we CD’s really that strange?
In daily life I see stranger things happen around me, but apparently they fit better in our social consensus which makes that they are accepted as “normal”. Quite often it’s hard for me to remain unbiased about these antisocial matters as I simply fail to understand them. But then I find solace in the fact that we do not harm anyone with our strange habit in contrast to those matters that make up our daily headlines every day. Apart from the mental strain on our next of kin that is. But keeping an open dialogue and being honest to each other helps us through the day. I know it’s not easy to live with a transgender but I found that time is a strong healer.

Remember we don’t want to change the world, only a little acceptance and respect is all we ask for.

Looking to balance my emotions I want to feel what’s real again. Simple things, like those that made me happy as a child. Strip reality from its tinsel, slow down the pace, away from the banalities, the violent and obscene colours that form our everyday horizon. Finding answers, understanding the basics and fundamental lines which along my life runs. Like many others before me, I’ve found it in spiritual exercise. Slowly I’m becoming more able to let go of the small things that constantly ad up in my head and make my life such a difficult endeavour from time to time.

I open my eyes, my mind is clear.

For the next couple of hours my life is perfect again.

Thanks yoga teacher, you’re my hero. 🙏

x Sophie

 

False light

False light

Being confronted with the simple question; Do you dress in women’s clothing?, is quite an unnerving experience. I probably had it coming for years, but it still caught me off guard that Saturday morning. In a strange way it also came as a kind of a relief. It wasn’t quite the shock that I always imagined it would be. It felt familiar, like it was something I had been waiting for a long time. There was no panic and certainly not the proverbial “sinking feeling”. Was I ready? Ready to tell her about that part of me she’d never seen. Ready for what was next. It was clear that things were going to change in my household. There was no way out this time. A defining moment in my complicated little life.

Maybe I could had told her myself long before, but the fear of losing it all had always been too great. I lost count of the many occasions when I thought I was ready to come clean but never had the nerve to press ahead. Each time I failed it raised the bar for the next opportunity. Doing so, nothing really changed and through time my fear of coming out, grew to such proportions that in the end it left me nothing than the easiest option. I decided to take my secret to the grave. Still I dreamt of a world where I could be myself, show my true face. Oh how I wanted to scream out and tell my loved ones what was going on behind that thin layer of male varnish, but I simply couldn’t. Years made the gild crackle though, showing a glimpse of the girl underneath. But the frustration also grew, often tipping the balance the wrong way.

Hills

As the children grew older the occasions I was able dress up became few and widespread, often limited to an odd afternoon or evening. tThey became hasty affairs in lost hours, not very enjoyable most of the times and barely enough to keep the deepest frustrations at bay.

I had become a bit sloppy in clearing my tracks, maybe unconscious, maybe for her to pick up on the signs. But the long brown hair in the sink hadn’t resulted in anything more than a raised eyebrow. Every now and then she stumbled upon suspicious details, but I was able to talk myself out of it on every occasion. Unable to give in, slowly digging my own grave.

But this Saturday morning it was all different, she obviously knew, I could tell from her face. Tired of three decades cloak and dagger that lied behind me, I wasn’t even going to give it a try. Wearing myself out over this scenario for the best part of our twenty years marriage finally came to an end. She’d set the first step and relief was all I could feel, not worry about any possible consequences. Later she told me she could see the weight dropping of my shoulders, when I just took a deep breath and confirmed her question.

That morning our lives changed for ever.

How she found out?
I’ll save that for another time.

x  Sophie