Video

April 5th

Today.

I notice something’s changed outside.
Open my window, let the smell of the young year in.

Fresh air, easing the mind.
cleansing the soul of wintery clutter.

Love the spring, anticipation.
Waiting for the colours to burst.

Mercury rising.

Make me go outside.
Ride.

Ride away.

Away from the darkness, the doubts and fears.

Into an endless summer.

x Sophie

 

 

 

Video

Consensus over identity

What is it that people see when they cross ways with me?

I’ve been asking myself this question over and over again for the last few years. In our modern world full of fool’s gold and make belief it’s often quite hard to distinguish the truth from falsehood. It always proved difficult for me to understand the debate of what defines the standards of quality and good taste. Long did I thought that Intelligence and adequate education where the primary merits one had to have to separate true from false, to distinguish good from bad. But apparently I was wrong, it seems that authenticity is defined by that what the majority sees as true and genuine.
It was a way of thinking I wasn’t familiar with and which in modern philosophy goes by the name “truth by consensus”. What this theory roughly boils down to is that it’s the process of taking statements to be true simply because people generally agree upon them.
Not to be mistaken by unanimity, which stands for undivided opinion.
The difference is a subtle yet important one.

Now how does consensus effect everyday life and how can I make it work for me? I wanted to find out because it sounded like something that could make a crossdressers life easier.

When hitting the street as a girl for the first time a few decades ago, seeking acknowledgement in passing was my only objective. Doing my best in fooling unsuspecting passers-by, naïvely I thought that every time I got home without being read, I was seen as female.
How much truth held this thought exactly?
According the consensus theory, getting dressed up through town and not being read would make me a real woman right?
Unfortunately and needless to say, it doesn’t work that way.
Although I do have an outspoken female taste for all good things in life and feel rather offended by female unfriendly behaviour, I’m still born a male.

That isn’t changed by how other see me. It would be different when the people would think unanimously positive about my female appearance. In that case I would despite all my bodily features still be qualified as female, simply because people were all a hundred percent sure and no one would think otherwise.

concensus II

Now before you get lost in my smoke and mirror lockdown it’s important to know that the fundamental reason for my habit is something else than fooling people in making them believe that I’m a woman. I do have rather profound female feelings that I need to express on a regular basis.
Making myself pretty on the outside is the only way for me to reflect what’s going on inside. So looking nice and feminine is as important for me as it is to display my female attitude. It’s the total image that’s giving me the right feeling. Just putting on female clothing can be satisfying to spend an evening at home, but going out requires a lot more effort. I noticed that some transgenders have a different view on this, but I simply prefer to look as convincing as possible before stepping out of the door.

It’s at this “convincing” bit where the principal of consensus comes into play.
In my case, looking convincing is not what I think looks good on me, but that what confirms to what people generally believe a woman should look like. Blending in is the most important value in this consensus. It makes that they at first see a person who in most cases will qualify as female.
For the majority this is apparently enough and they don’t grand you a second look. Their brain isn’t triggered into believing anything other than to see a female person, as long as you look good enough to meet the requirements of the consensus. Mission accomplished.
For the remainder that isn’t so easily misled, it’s important to look the part. Putting in the extra effort generally makes that people don’t take offence and are happy to go with what they see. Passing isn’t an exact science though and that’s what makes crossdressing such an exciting enterprise. Besides that, getting read is part of the consensus right? Otherwise this post would be called “Unanimity over identity”. Sometimes I do get read too, but every single time this happened, I was met with a smile. Of course, there will always be someone who sees what’s going on, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they let you know or that you get into trouble.

Maybe next time you go out, that someone will be me.  But hey…….it takes one to recognise one innit? 😉

x Sophie

 

Video

Ever changing moods

2014, it was me harbouring worries for a future unknown. Spending my days in dull winter greyness, chasing up spring, but too far behind. No matter how fast I ran,…… just to see it sink behind the horizon.

Was it disappointment I felt?

moods scale II

Desperately looking for new ways that never came. It felt like I was waiting for something, but without knowing exactly what. The entire year felt like one long autumn and I simply couldn’t find anything positive to do or cling to. In search for answers I rounded up so much more questions about myself instead. All the doubts and fears that clouded my adolescent years returned. I didn’t want to dig up the past but apparently that’s the place where answers go when they’re left unquestioned.

Unravelling my childhood I found no cause, no reason. If I could find an explanation at all, it would be the barbiturates prescribed to my mother to relief her from anxiety and insomnia induced depressions during her pregnancy. But I can’t blame anyone for that, as I can only see it as a sign of the times. This was how medicine worked in the late sixties and it ultimately doesn’t prove anything, apart from having some vague statistics on my side. The evidence is simply too thin for Dr. Swaab to bail me out. Besides that, it doesn’t change a thing in my current situation. Unfortunately this took me quite some time put into a right perspective. The negative feelings about myself parted over time, although at a slow and agonizing pace.

Some questions remained though.
Locking away these feelings in my early teens wasn’t exactly my best idea as they now proved to be a lot harder to answer for.
Do I really have to start all over again? Leave my family, friends and job and find happiness in the parallel universe that have been luring alongside me for all those years?

I’m inclined to reason my way out of this scenario and count the blessings in the life I have. Circumstances made me take choices earlier in life that asked for commitment and responsibility. Like starting a family, raising children and pursuing a career in heavy industries.
I simply can’t drop it all and push these things aside as if they never happened. Am I running away from making that ultimate choice? Scared of the other life that might be not as good as I imagine it would be? It would have been all for nothing than and in that respect I’ve got a lot to lose. It would make a lot of people I love and care for unhappy and ultimately wouldn’t make me feel less lonely and misunderstood. And then again, what about those lost years? I can’t turn back the clock. I will never regain the innocent youth that make young people so attractive. I can’t just push rewind and start life again at 20. Silvester is the ultimate jailer.

My shadowy outlook on life sometimes make me struggle the temptations to leave or to give up the ghost all together and I’m afraid that these doubts and fears that power the dark kaleidoscope in my head will never leave. I will have to learn to live with that.

Knowing what I know now, would I’ve made that ultimate decision 35 years ago? I like to think I would had.

But that’s today, tomorrow will be different. 😉

x Sophie

 

Video

Sellotape

Blending two identities into one isn’t so easy.
The little war inside my head apparently raged on for too long and that took its toll on my expressiveness. So busy with imaging the person I thought others needed to see, it totally killed my creativity. Over the last year it slowly dawned on me that acceptance wasn’t a goal, but just a start.
Finally on track to negotiate a truce that will last, I’m franticly trying to fix the damage done to myself. But finding my true identity isn’t just a unidirectional process. I’d like to think it’s me busy accepting Sophie as part of my identity, but isn’t it actually Sophie accepting me? Have I been pushing her away for too long?

vleugel

With my coming out and all that followed, the dialogue between her and me definitely changed.
Was it me telling Sophie what to think and how to behave in the past, very often it’s her now telling me what to do. I like to believe that letting this happen, makes me a better person all together. I have a lot to learn from her. Also that women are treated differently in society than men and that it’s not a choice as I always liked to believe. It’s hard to admit, but Sophie is the better part of me as she’s way more social and has better emphatic skills than myself.
Dropping the male mask isn’t easy. Society likes us to play our part and in daily life it’s all too easy to oblige. Letting Sophie play her part in my male identity not only changes how others see me but also my perspective on all around me. Looking through her eyes the world seems a better place. It gives me energy and it’s her creative nature that put me back into photography, music and writing again.
She gave me back my wings, now I only have to learn how to fly again.

Thanks las!

x Sophie

Giving me wings,

You’re a fool man, you throw it away
You kill her with your confidence

In the old days, the cause you embraced
The simple things that people over complicate

Speaking in lies known to yourself
You’re speaking at length, on all those days

Will you come with me
And we’ll be ourselves
And we’ll walk into the light
And you colour yourself in golden wings

You’re never yourself
Not even with me

Will you come with me
And we’ll ask the dust
It’s on my way
It’s all my concentration
Can hold

But you alienate me
You throw it down and rip it off
When nothing’s feeling right
And I’ll show you how you can sellotape it on

You’re giving me wings, so I don’t have to jump
And you’re giving me will, so I can carry on

Dissimulate and celebrate this time we had alone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXLsJ75QX_k

 

Video

Small things

Sometimes on rare occasions, life slows down and time seems to grinds to a halt.
It’s the end of my weekly power yoga class. A last relaxation exercise after an intense 90 minutes of mental focus to keep a physical balance, or is it the other way round. I’m never sure 😉 . I’m lying on my back, tumbling into the cracks in the plaster ceiling. Time and distance become one as the town’s groan softly fades into the background. Irregularities in the white hurtle away from me like distant galaxies. Like I’m falling backwards into the bottomless realms of the universe, small and insignificant only surrounded by silence and vast emptiness. Spinning. Free from the daily grind, without identity and seeing things the way they are without judgement. Left with no pride of being someone great or exceptional. Just be….

small things

As my limbs go numb and immaterialise my speed increases. I visualise leaving our solar system and when even our planet has become nothing more than a distant blip in the black night sky, a profound loneliness occurs to me. Those are my moments that provide insight, wash away those trivial thoughts and doubts that clutter the mind. They open a window to exchange bad for good. To dissipate sorrows and let fresh energy in. Then I find myself again, a lost soul floating between so many others. Likeminded mental wanderers, the intergalactic debris of an inherently binary society, preoccupied in rigid believes and ancient values.

Are we CD’s really that strange?
In daily life I see stranger things happen around me, but apparently they fit better in our social consensus which makes that they are accepted as “normal”. Quite often it’s hard for me to remain unbiased about these antisocial matters as I simply fail to understand them. But then I find solace in the fact that we do not harm anyone with our strange habit in contrast to those matters that make up our daily headlines every day. Apart from the mental strain on our next of kin that is. But keeping an open dialogue and being honest to each other helps us through the day. I know it’s not easy to live with a transgender but I found that time is a strong healer.

Remember we don’t want to change the world, only a little acceptance and respect is all we ask for.

Looking to balance my emotions I want to feel what’s real again. Simple things, like those that made me happy as a child. Strip reality from its tinsel, slow down the pace, away from the banalities, the violent and obscene colours that form our everyday horizon. Finding answers, understanding the basics and fundamental lines which along my life runs. Like many others before me, I’ve found it in spiritual exercise. Slowly I’m becoming more able to let go of the small things that constantly ad up in my head and make my life such a difficult endeavour from time to time.

I open my eyes, my mind is clear.

For the next couple of hours my life is perfect again.

Thanks yoga teacher, you’re my hero. 🙏

x Sophie

 

Video

Overkill

Why do we lie to ourselfs? What is it that plays tricks on our minds and prevent us to look at the world we live in and ourselves in an objective way?
If there is one thing I’ve always been very good at, then it’s “making matters worse”. From a early age, there was always that little voice in the back of my head, mirroring all my ideas and plans into the most horrible scenarios. No silver linings around my clouds. It took the joy out of almost everything I did and eventually it led to avoidance. What I didn’t do, couldn’t possibly turn into a disappointment, right? Adventure found it’s equal in potential misfortune.
A balance hold by apathy and regret. How much did I miss out on?

Resentment.

Unfortunately it took me decades to discover that it was actually me who did this to myself. What got me back on track were some people who provided me with the appropriate insights and a good friend whose inspiring attitude towards life, worked as an example for me. It was quite a journey and they were all instrumental in changing my dismal mindset and to give me the energy to push forward. From the day I choose not to listen to it anymore, the little voice  gradually became less loud until it faded into a faint whisper. I learned how to accept Sophie as a part of myself and to make her venture out into the world. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart! ❤

ghosts

On my way back I must have left something at the dark end and turn me into the mild opportunist I’m today. Experience or avoid? is now the question I often ask myself when new opportunities in life arise. I turned it into one of my life’s mantras and carry it everywhere I go these days.

I know it can be hard to distinguish the real bad matter from the imaginary mischief, but the little voice is still there. It wouldn’t be healthy either to stop asking question all together isn’t it? I guess it will never part and that’s ok, but nowadays it helps me balancing my thoughts between what’s real and what’s not.

Let’s call it intuition 😉

x Sophie

Video

Semi Automatic

Burning the candle from both ends occasionally makes life complicated.
Seeing my self going by from the wrong side of the glass is something I became used to, but never will feel comfortable. Sometimes I wonder how many more lost souls that are out there, pretending nothing’s wrong. Nowadays we live in a world full of tinsel and make believe. The sheer values and realities of social media hold us firmly in it’s grasp and news seems only to be of any interest if we can gloat over others misfortune.
But why?……Just because we can feel better about ourselves?…… Who are we trying to fool?

semiautomatic

I played the smoke and mirror game long enough to understand that reality can be made.

Being the Son or the Daughter, was for certain people in my life the only difference between reality and a hobby. But which was which, was never clear to them and I can only see it as a simple way to reason a complicated relationship into a comfortable perspective. Simplifying matters apparently takes the sting out of their shaky single minded concensus. Does it matter to me?

It used to, …….but not anymore, ……..it doesn’t change the way I feel about it anyway.

And whichever side I’m on,……. I’ve always proven guilty.

x Sophie

Video

This is the thing

Kicking off “Sophie’s 52” in style today.

fink

With this little gem from an artist called Fin Greenall, better known as Fink.
It’s one of those songs that seem to be written just for you. He obviously has is own meanings to the lyrics but for me it perfectly expresses the loneliness I felt before my coming out. It’s small, acoustic and introvert.
A recipe for soulfull music.

In all it’s smallness, it’s so great that I made the title my life’s mantra and my blog’s tagline.

An all time favorite…….