Burning the candle from both ends occasionally makes life complicated.
Seeing my self going by from the wrong side of the glass is something I became used to, but never will feel comfortable. Sometimes I wonder how many more lost souls that are out there, pretending nothing’s wrong. Nowadays we live in a world full of tinsel and make believe. The sheer values and realities of social media hold us firmly in it’s grasp and news seems only to be of any interest if we can gloat over others misfortune.
But why?……Just because we can feel better about ourselves?…… Who are we trying to fool?
I played the smoke and mirror game long enough to understand that reality can be made.
Being the Son or the Daughter, was for certain people in my life the only difference between reality and a hobby. But which was which, was never clear to them and I can only see it as a simple way to reason a complicated relationship into a comfortable perspective. Simplifying matters apparently takes the sting out of their shaky single minded concensus. Does it matter to me?
It used to, …….but not anymore, ……..it doesn’t change the way I feel about it anyway.
And whichever side I’m on,……. I’ve always proven guilty.
Gender dysphoria is a wicked thing. One day it feels far away and something from a distant past, to be back and occupying your entire existence the following. It doesn’t apply to any rules and it comes and goes at a most erratic pace. I’ve spend quite some time trying to find the mechanisms that drive us into our mothers and sisters closets to keep most of us hostage there for many a decade.
But the more I read about it the less I understood. So many views and opinions.
Truth is that some of us will never surface and come out, but those lucky and brave enough often face a difficult and painful journey. I also had my fair share of scraps with self-acceptance. Recognizing this thing comes natural, but accepting and embracing it as a part of yourself isn’t that easy. I had to drag it into the light, kicking and screaming and although I managed getting to grips with it, even today it still rears its ugly head every now and then. I know it will never part, but coming to terms with it, at least makes me prepared.
Slowly turning it from a life long burden into my personal balancing act.
Guess I’ll be walking that tightrope forever. 😉
Kicking off “Sophie’s 52” in style today.
With this little gem from an artist called Fin Greenall, better known as Fink.
It’s one of those songs that seem to be written just for you. He obviously has is own meanings to the lyrics but for me it perfectly expresses the loneliness I felt before my coming out. It’s small, acoustic and introvert.
A recipe for soulfull music.
In all it’s smallness, it’s so great that I made the title my life’s mantra and my blog’s tagline.
An all time favorite…….
As for most crossdressers, being passable was a very important thing for me. Going out in the street dressed as a woman and not being read by the public was my only objective for years.
Seeking acknowledgement in nobody taking notice.
Ironically this great paradox was also my biggest trap.
The image I created was never good enough and in search for perfection I got lost in a maze of indecision. Tinkering endlessly with my image, stumbling over minor details. In the end nothing seemed right or good enough and even an insignificant flaw in make-up or hair was a enough to spark the doubt. No less than catwalk perfect I occasionally dared to leave the house. Walking around the block, late at night in the dark. I needed the perfection for my confidence, blind for the fact that it was just that, what drew the attention.
Remember, to pass one has to blend in with the crowd in the first place.
It was my better half that got me out of the house after my coming out three years ago. She was a great help in developing my everyday style and showed me how to look and feel feminine in something else than dresses and stiletto’s and to tone down on the makeup and eyeliner.
Over the years I had developed a taste for classy yet seductive dresses and heels, signature tranny stuff she stated. Good for premier parties and red carpets, but definitely no garb one wears in daily life.
Obviously she was right. With her help I found confidence in wearing skinny jeans, shirts, sweaters and footwear with sensible hight heels. She taught me how to blend in and still being feminine, sexy and beautiful.
Nowadays I go out regularly donning the girl next door look, feeling confident and girly. 🙂
Finally being able to accept Sophie and giving her a place in my life brought so much peace and rest, it’s hard to belief it’s for real.
Driving back from a meeting early September all fell into place. Walking along the canals in Amsterdam, back from the pub where we T girls regularly meet, it suddenly dawned on me that I hadn’t been playing a part that evening. Before that moment I had always been conscious about the fact that I’m actually a guy, playing a female role. But this time it was different. For the first time I really was Sophie.
A warm glow took over me and for the first time in decades I felt I finally belonged. A simple happiness that I only remembered from my early childhood and that had seemed to have left me half way my adolescent years. I didn’t play a part, I wasn’t an act, it was genuinely me, it felt real.
An entire male life erased in an instant. I drove home tears running down my face, messing up my eye liner. Tears of happiness, tears of acceptance, tears of finally coming home. This was a genuine feeling coming from deep inside and which I had ignored for decades. Somehow unconsiously I was able to let my female side take control of what and who I’am. It took me a while to understand what was happening that night, but it felt right and the glow lasted for days.
I finally found myself again in a form I always knew I was mend to be. Coming to terms with and accepting that side of me put an end to a significant part of my struggle. That day I fell in love with the female inside of me, embraced her and told her it was right.
The clouds started to clear.
With every new endeavour in life comes a set of aspects to become accustomed to and associated with. And so it does this time. No escape hatches or easy way out.
There ain’t such thing as a free ride, Milton Friedman once wrote.
It’s safe to say that one of the most difficult episodes of my life lies behind me and although it’s getting better, there are still some bumps in the road ahead. I have still a lot to learn about myself, but keeping an open mind and looking forward will eventually get me there.
Finally being able to acknowledge my own feelings proved harder to cope with than I ever imagined and writing it all down and sharing it, was the very last thing I ever thought would happen.
Coming out as a crossdresser wasn’t exactly something to be proud of in my social environment. Coming from a blue collar family and a lifelong career in engineering made my world one in which the boundaries of what’s seen as acceptable are pretty defined and having had the choice it would have probably never happened.
But eventually a unforeseen string of events got things moving and suddenly there was no way back.
In order to make sense of the feelings I’ve ignored for so long, someone suggested I started writing them down. Writing makes me look at things from a different perspective and helps ordering my mind. It keeps me sane in dark hours and gives me an insight in what’s going on behind the scenes.
Inspired by others blogs, I found that reading about the positive side of this matter made me feel better about myself.
It was instrumental in accepting my other side. So why not make a virtue of necessity?
So if it works for me, I hope it can also work for you.
Welcome to my blog!