Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens

Nodus Tollens [ˈnəʊdəs təʊlz]  The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore.

For J.

Emptied and alienated, I’m stumbling through strange rooms. Clutching thoughts, torn between fear and opportunity. Trying to project a possible future on these empty walls, silently beholding a promise of a new beginning in their bright white virginity. The girl from the real estate agency is giving me a tour of the apartment. That it had to come this far. Splitting our lives, cutting through 25 years of shared history. Divorce, its sudden reveal stopped me in my tracks. And although inciting my lethargic tendencies it’s yet gently gaining appeal. I was never the quitter before.

…..this lovely apartment became available only a couple of days ago…..

I can’t remember what it was she said, but it triggered me to go look for my own ways. It happened a couple of times before, but it never felt real somehow. This time the words stuck, they didn’t go away. She thought I was better off this way. Letting me go as the ultimate sacrifice of her love. Perhaps she had a clearer view on what was right for me than I had myself. She’d been right about me before so why not this time? Perhaps I was finally ready and she had suggested it one time too many. It felt such an obvious thing to do.

…..the boiler has been replaced recently…..

The last week had passed in a haze of doubt and indecision but also vague anticipation. Having me turning inwards again, but without the usual panic and chaos. For the first time I could see a future for myself without her.

…..although the building is only 3 stories high, it also has an elevator…..

Going our separate ways was never my idea and I was never convinced that it would make me any happier in the way she thought it would. She was always convinced that Sophie would drive us apart sooner or later. But unfortunate enough, reality is that it’s not something I do, it’s something I’m. I can’t just switch Sophie off and J realized that as no one else. From the moment she discovered this alternative personality lurking inside of me, something in our relationship had changed. Although Sophie only surfaces for a minor percentage of our time and the two do rarely meet, J still feels like she is living with her all the time. That she is forced into some kind of a lesbian relationship that she is unable to accept in any way. But she also feels that she’s keeping Sophie restricted and therefore put a restraint on my happiness. Maybe that’s all true, but then she fails to see that this so called restriction, is also something that I need to help me balance things out. Keeping me on track.

Where would I end without her?

 …..the view from the patio is very beautiful and it’s such a lovely and quiet neighbourhood..…

nodus

The luring freedom of the split is weirdly attractive however, but in a way  as certain women are. It feels like it could fully cut me from the life I had. Press rewind and start all over again. But reality has it that there is no such thing. We drag our history behind us and looking over our shoulder we’re always facing the smouldering embers of the bridges burning behind us. We will be constantly caught up by the smoke and trivialities of our shared past and in the end it would cause more grief then happiness. I can’t just let that happen to my children, nor to my so beloved J and not even to myself.

Apart from the Sophie thing, we have some much more that binds us, so much more that makes our life’s worth spending together and above all….we still love each other to bits, even after 25 years.

…..and the best thing is, it’s immediately available.….what do you think?…..What do you think Madam?…..

It’s the girl from the real estate agent, waking me from my reverie, giving me an inquiring look as only a professional sales person can. She’s irresistibly attractive……like certain women are,……like the luring freedom is, dangerous and potentially lethal. Nice for the moment, but the happiness they bring is often short lived and it nearly always ends in tears.

……What do you think Madam?

Erm…… yes, nice views indeed.….. Mind if I’ll think about it for a couple of days? I’ll let you know next week right?

She hides her disappointment well as she walks me to the door. Two paces ahead, turns and smiles as she hands me her business card. Flaunting a purposeful gait and her heels are absolutely to die for! Love at first sight. (Still wish I had dare to ask where she got them from.)

Women are incomprehensible creatures. J. knows best, and apparently so do I. Perhaps it’s we’re too afraid of what a future without the other might hold and therefore we both can’t make that sacrifice.  Sometimes it’s difficult to make sense of my own thoughts. It takes one to recognize one as one of my initiated friends once inappropriately said. And that is where we ultimately find each other again. The very thing that drives us apart also makes we understand each other so well.

It’s cold outside, autumn is nearly ending. The last light sets the horizon ablaze in oranges and reds.

My mind’s made up as I step into my car and hit the engine.

The dust in my mind is settling. The time we had apart didn’t miss the cathartic effect we both hoped it would have………..we can finally turn this page now, on to the next chapter.

x Sophie

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