Blending two identities into one isn’t so easy.
The little war inside my head apparently raged on for too long and that took its toll on my expressiveness. So busy with imaging the person I thought others needed to see, it totally killed my creativity. Over the last year it slowly dawned on me that acceptance wasn’t a goal, but just a start.
Finally on track to negotiate a truce that will last, I’m franticly trying to fix the damage done to myself. But finding my true identity isn’t just a unidirectional process. I’d like to think it’s me busy accepting Sophie as part of my identity, but isn’t it actually Sophie accepting me? Have I been pushing her away for too long?
With my coming out and all that followed, the dialogue between her and me definitely changed.
Was it me telling Sophie what to think and how to behave in the past, very often it’s her now telling me what to do. I like to believe that letting this happen, makes me a better person all together. I have a lot to learn from her. Also that women are treated differently in society than men and that it’s not a choice as I always liked to believe. It’s hard to admit, but Sophie is the better part of me as she’s way more social and has better emphatic skills than myself.
Dropping the male mask isn’t easy. Society likes us to play our part and in daily life it’s all too easy to oblige. Letting Sophie play her part in my male identity not only changes how others see me but also my perspective on all around me. Looking through her eyes the world seems a better place. It gives me energy and it’s her creative nature that put me back into photography, music and writing again.
She gave me back my wings, now I only have to learn how to fly again.
Thanks las!
x Sophie
Giving me wings,
You’re a fool man, you throw it away
You kill her with your confidence
In the old days, the cause you embraced
The simple things that people over complicate
Speaking in lies known to yourself
You’re speaking at length, on all those days
Will you come with me
And we’ll be ourselves
And we’ll walk into the light
And you colour yourself in golden wings
You’re never yourself
Not even with me
Will you come with me
And we’ll ask the dust
It’s on my way
It’s all my concentration
Can hold
But you alienate me
You throw it down and rip it off
When nothing’s feeling right
And I’ll show you how you can sellotape it on
You’re giving me wings, so I don’t have to jump
And you’re giving me will, so I can carry on
Dissimulate and celebrate this time we had alone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXLsJ75QX_k
sophically 